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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in EvilOtaku's LiveJournal:

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    Thursday, May 20th, 2004
    1:28 am
    Books are better then drugs...really.
    So I hiked about six miles round trip to the library today only to get a replacement card I cant use becuase theres a fine on my acount. Ah well Im not too terribly upset because I passed some time by reading before I went back home and found a lovely collection of Vladamir Nabokov's short fictrion. Ah I had more to say but I just fell asleep at the comp so...err....not a good idea...I will finish this de-railed train of thought tommorow evening.
    Thursday, May 13th, 2004
    2:42 pm
    Well I got a job...
    Its a crappy job but meh, its a job nonetheless. Its working in that place...whats it called...IHL or something, market research. Well at least Im not selling anything over the phone. So I shouldnt get cussed at or hung up on too much. Heh.

    What else? I dont know, I dont have much else to say,Im a bit idle, bored, more then a little lonely...theres someone I miss already from Utah but thats to be expected. Ah well...
    Such is Life
    Saturday, May 8th, 2004
    4:46 pm
    Home Sweet Emergency Room...
    So I told me mom more about the panic attack things Iv been having and then,....whjoops I have another one. Yay! My first evening back home and I spend a majority of it in a hospital room with my mom and then my bro eating the barbecue wings he took from work.
    And now I think I'll head off to the libraray and get some reading material...I desperatly need some new books to read now that I have the time to do so. Yay.
    Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
    7:02 pm
    Heaven and Earth
    My last Poli Sci paper,can you tell why I got a B? I cant...

    In Heaven and Earth

    What is the chief difference between Roman Catholic politics and Protestant politics? To answer this question one must not only examen each sects laws, but the ends which they are to attain. Aquinas places the responsibility of goodness, of virtue in the hands of individual peoples through a series of laws meant to check outward actions and inner desires. Though these laws and commandments are only heard within the heart of the true believer. Luther and Calvin rely more on outside authority or duty. They do not leave matters of virtue up to the individuals discretion.
    The Roman Catholic system seems to be loosely based on democratic principles as well as a central leadership. The fact that Aquinas gives a political nod to people en mass suggests that the individual has say in the laws that they must follow. Thus it follows that they would have power and rights to human law at least. So he establishes that firstly man is the master of his own earthly realm.
    “ Of different kinds of rule which the Philosopher discusses at Politics III, the foremost are kingship, in which one man governs according to virtue , and aristocracy, that is, the power of the best men, in which a few govern according to virtue. Hence the best ordering of government in any city or kingdom is achieved when one man is chosen to preside over all according to virtue, when he has under him others who govern according to virtue, and when such government none the less belongs to all, both because all are eligible for election to it and because it is elected by all. Such a ‘polity’ is the best form of government in as much as it is a benign mixture of kingship, because there is one man who presides, of aristocracy, because it is the rule of several according to virtue, and of democracy, that is, popular power, because the rulers can be elected from the people and it belongs to the people to elect the rulers.” (Summa art.1,responsio,pg 54)
    Aquinas argues that human law not only encompasses the written creed of man kind but it is also a judgement we must all bear upon ourselves. We all must be our own judge for there are so many tiny discrepancies that no law book could ever examine and dole out penance for each one. Aquinas states in the above paragraph his desire for the people to chose their own leaders and he goes even further to suggest that we human beings should also judge ourselves.
    “ But since human actions consist in particular things, which are infinite in number, matters having to do with the direction of human actions can only be taken into consideration sufficiently by a wise man looking into each of them individually.” (Art1, abiecto 1, pg 127)
    There cannot be a wise man for each and every soul, nor someone with the power to do such a thing as peer into the complex miasma of mans heart. Thus this passage suggests that we all each of us must train and coerce our wisest selves to be our own judge. Though aren’t human actions flawed with the best of intentions, we are all born sinners thus imperfect so human law could not possibly fit snugly in Gods own plan?
    The answer is still yes for Aquinas later states that even our flaws work in Gods favor for we cannot hope to comprehend his eternal wisdom. And sometimes by disobeying Him we aid Him.
    “ Moreover, whoever obeys God causes his own will to will whatever the Divine will wills. But we are not bound in all things to cause our own wills to will what the Divine will wills, as noted above. Therefore no man is not bound to obey God in all things.”(Art4, obiecto 3, pg 66)
    Man is not strong enough mentally or spiritually to fully will Gods plan. Though we falter and fail in his commandments he anticipates this weakness and uses it to the advantage of his plan.
    “ Though man is not always bound to will what God Himself wills, he is nonetheless always bound to will what God wills him to will. And man comes to know what this is chiefly through God’s command; and so man is bound to obey God’s commands in all things.” (Art4, ad3, pg 67)
    Thus a man may believe he is committing a betrayal but in the greater scope all he is doing is willing what God wants. It may be an evil act with an end that is beneficial for the common good. A Biblical example of such thought can be found within the actions taken be Judas of Iscariot. His betrayal was a direct affront to his God but it also served a greater good, IE the redemption of all mankind by the suffering of Jesus Christ. Without Judas’ betrayal mankinds collective sins would not have been accounted for.
    Though Aquinas then suggests that in every man there is the capacity for goodness and reason. And that reason is by its nature a virtue.
    “ Hence, since the rational soul is the proper form of man [I.E. since man is by nature a rational creature.], there is in every man a natural inclination to act according to reason; and thus is to act according to virtue.” (Art 3, responsio, pg 119)
    So the Natural law dictates that we are indeed capable of reasoning with the Eternal or Divine law and we are capable of judging our own actions accordingly. Though certainly not all natural inclinations are virtues. For illicit sexual acts and desires may be reasoned as acceptable if a man were to toss it around in his mind long enough. So Natural Law is a duel gift curse, in that it may bring is closer to our God or pry us further away from Him. Though His end will be the same no matter which direction we take.
    Though humans are imperfect God gives us an Eternal or Divine law to aid in our human endeavors. Though these Eternal laws are not comprised of all laws.
    “ Moreover, nothing wicked can proceed from the eternal law, because, as stated above, ‘the eternal law is that according to which it is right that all things should be perfectly in order.’ But some laws are wicked, according to Isaiah 10:1 ‘Woe to them that make wicked laws.’ Therefore not every law is derived from the eternal law.” (Art3, obiectio2, pg 105)
    So nothing wicked can come from the Eternal law which is the logical order placed by God, though human law may add to the divine plan by enacting wicked laws as well. This would suggest that man may indeed have some minuscule role to play in shaping Gods plan, however removed it may be. Though obviously as stated above, man has no will which is not Gods will. So perhaps this is a way for God to justify the breaking of a commandment for the greater good. Again giving man some free agency in his life.
    “ Moreover Augustine says that ‘the law which is framed for ruling the people, rightly permits many things which are punished by Divine providence’. But the rational pattern of Divine providence is the eternal law, as stated above. Therefore not even every right law proceeds from the eternal law.” (Art3, obiectio3,pg 105)
    So Aquinas comes very close to suggesting that even divine politics resembles something of a democracy by stating that human law may have a positive affect on the common good though it may seem wicked at the present time it is enacted.
    War for example. It is not a law or creed but a human endeavor which seems to be a sin in any circumstance.
    “ It seems that it is always a sin to wage war.” (Art1, pg 239)
    Here is an example of a divine law, thou shalt not kill. A clear commandment even from the first days of mankind. Though through human law this is suspended under certain circumstances that are by its ends for the common and greater good.
    “ Those who wage just wars intend to secure peace, and so they are not opposed to any peace except that evil peace which the Lord ‘came not to send” upon the earth (Matthew 10:34). Hence Augustine says “We do not seek peace in order to wage war; rather, we wage war in order to achieve peace .’ “(Art1, ad 3 pg 242)
    When we do things like waging war in a right and just manner God excuses or at least suspends the mortal sin we are committing. This we have some free agency to decide what God would deem necessary and depending on our own Human nature, whether we chose the virtuous logic, it will lead us to a just and right decision which is in its core a divine reason. Aquinas places in the hands of the people their own soul, and themselves to answer to if they are faithful to their own Lord.
    Though Luther would disagree with Aquinas on the main point of human spiritual responsibility. He states that a spiritual government is needed as well as a secular sword to still the wicked and protect the true believers.
    “How the Secular Sword and law are to be employed according to God’s will is thus clear and certain enough: to punish the wicked and protect the just.”(pg 7)
    So man is not only cut completely out of his own spiritual life, but he is a lamb, in need of protection from the many hungry wolves. As a Christian we are to turn the other cheek and take evil as it comes to us. Though when such evil threatens those who are weaker or ill disposed to deal with it than we are permitted some strength on the behalf of others.
    “ Although you yourself do not need your enemy to be punished, your weak neighbor does, and you are to help him to enjoy peace and to see to it that his enemies are kept in check.” (Pg 14)
    Never are to take personal responsibility of our own soul and well-being but to relay on others to do it for us. So Princes are expected to be humble and compliant with Gods will and only use their prospective power for the good of their subjects.
    “ A prince should therefore dispense with his might and superiority, as far as his heart and mind are concerned, and attend to the needs of his subjects as if they were his own.” (pg 36)
    So Luthers system is solely based on a notion of duty to fellow human beings rather than an emotional governance of a person individual soul. Though Calvin compared to Luther is even more stringent with how power is doled out and the responsibilities of those who hold it.
    Calvin believes power is both a protection and a punishment for the people who are subjugated by it.
    “ Those who govern for the public good are true examples (FV: mirrors) and signs of his goodness; those who govern unjustly and intemperately have been raised up by him to punish the iniquity of the people.” ( pg 76)
    The people are commanded by God to follow any and all leaders to the best of their ability and to freely give these rulers their respect and thoughtful prayers as well. There is not escape from a tyranical rule unless the Prince or Magistrate commands to change the heart of a Christian. I.E. confiscating books and religious paraphernalia. They are not to outright rebel but to resist peaceful the command. They must not step a foot in the evil direction or lift a finger to aid it.
    “ If they command anything against [his will], it must be as nothing to us. And in this instance we must ignore all that dignity that magistrates (FV: superiors) possess.” ( pg 83)
    Calvin simplifies divine or eternal law even more than Luther seems to be stating that the only difference between the two sets of creeds is whether or not a magistrate or prince follows the King of Kings and is humbled to Him. Calvin does not separate politics and religion as well as Luther does with his notion of duty, and comes nowhere near Aquinas concept of free agency when it comes to spirituality. Instead he places all the power of God into those whom have somehow been raised to power, for they would not be there if God did not will it so.
    So Luther is a loyalist, with duty owed to the weaker persons, though this concept may be skewed easily by the people at large. He urges man to pick up the sword in defense of his weaker neighbor but what of his own personage? How can a man truly contribute to a society when he does not know himself, when he is not given the authority by God to be the master of his own destiny at least in his mortal life. What of true free agency then? Calvin as well is flawed for this reason, though his flaw is deeper. He would have all people toil and suffer under the rule of a tyrant for the hardships endured would surly be a lesson sent form God. But does God not forgive and bless each individual with reason and certain natural rights? If Calvin can justify war for a just cause, why not a rebellion?
    “ Natural justice and their office equally demand that princes must be armed (FV: use the sword) not only to repress private wrong-doing by means of judicial penalties, but also to defend, by means of war, the territories committed in trust to them when they are invaded by enemies. And wars of this sort the Holy Spirit declares to be legitimate by the testimony of many places in Scripture.” ( pg 63)
    Who can tell if an invading enemy is another prince intending to bring common good to his people by obtaining more territory? This leaves far too much interpretation and bickering over the exact meaning of defense and legitimacy.
    I believe Aquinas’ views on the nature of politics and spiritual responsibilities suits the world at large best. I agree with his near democracy of the Lord s spiritual government, and this mirrors in the human law the best it can through the imperfection of the human soul. God even makes room for error by enacting His will where a deed may be deemed wicked or sinful. And don’t forget that God said in so many words, what we deem lawful on earth so he shall hold true in heaven.
    6:44 pm
    Light, Perspective and the Art of Living...
    I know I've said this exact statement before but I feel...jazzy.

    Once more theres a tremendous sense of wanting to get out of this little town, to see my borther and live for a little while. I feel stagnant in this place,perhaps its the situation Im in, the sense of so many things to do, and how boring it is...that they will all get done. Just a silentl slamming of a book I got through more then read.

    I want to go home, I really do. Theres more opportunity for expansion in almost every sense of the word. Im changed,I have new skin to test out in a palce that still remembers who I was before I left. I think the general shittyness of this year has done some good, well alot of good. Though the clarity is something of a burden at times, and the weight of seeing people as they really are is troublesome. I suppose Iv always known how to look trhough people but my nature denied dwelling on such a thing. Though now I can sit i a semi public place and watch a girl move infront of my eyes. Get the sense of her and dismiss that person...I wish I found more ...people. I dont know what to call everyone else...maybe I should call them the glass people...

    I dont know where this is going, I have an essay to write on american Orthodoxy for poli sci...so...ado Sleepers.

    Current Music: Jack Johnson,Flake
    Thursday, April 29th, 2004
    10:45 pm
    Sounds of munching...taste of buttery chocolate...
    Ugh,cafeteria cookies taste like sugar flavored hard tac... I stole some from the cafeteria fro a midnight snacka nd reheated them in the microwave (advice from Otokko-Chan) and I must say all its done is make the cookie more mushy than good. Ewck.

    Anyhow Im going to miss this place when I go, the light thats always left on in the hall at first bothered me but now its more of a comforting thing, a soft glow from under my door to combat the darkness in my room. And sometimes if Im not too tired to fall right asleep I think about how Im going to die, but latley I think Iv been so exhausted that I just nod off. Also this positive thinking stuff the therapist lady has me doing is wrking just fine...

    Ah I dont have much else to say,cept Hullo Kevin,sorry I dont respond as much as I should...but life is tiring, as you well know..

    Good night,sleepers.
    Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
    2:26 pm
    Megatokyo...
    So Im trying to catch up Megatokyo again...ugh I hope I can even remember where I left off...ah well this summer I may as well start from the begining, same thing with PvP, but damnit Im ALMOST caught up with Penny Arcade so yay...hm, I have alot to do, school work, but it all seems so distant latley and I can relax about it because frankly I have bigger things to worry about. Though I realized last night that I can control these panicky attack thingies. I started having one at 2 am and thankt he Goddess Afton was up, we went for a drive and shes had them before lots so she helped me through mine.
    Ugh, Iv been a very anxious or distrubed person, but perhaps it was all the crap thats been going on this year, all the very real ,very grownup decisions Iv been making fro the first time in my life. And that stining sore, that unrequited love Iv got going on...heh...it'll pass. I keep hoping its just an infatuation, and not one of those life long love type feelings that is always skulking around my heart like a wounded lizard....
    Iv said to much, ado sleepers, and to all my friends.

    I love you, all.
    Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
    3:11 pm
    The things that are wrong with me are going away...finally...
    So for the past three days my body has been going into one hell of a firey wreck. Iv been having a panic attack since SUnday, well no it stopped last night with sleep and Xanax. The doctor said I was perfectly fine physicaly and he gave me some Xanax. I took one pill but I dfidnt like it much so I refuse to fill the precription he gave me. I just dont like taking drugs anymore. And no mor alchohol or ciggarettes either. Im done with stimulants and depressants. I dont think I'll even take caffeine in anything anymore. Sever,ne? Well I dont like the hyper way my body reacts to it anymore, so feh.
    Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
    4:57 pm
    Attacks of the Panic'ed Variety...
    So two nights ago I had the rose panic attack I have ever had in my entire life. I feel sorry for poor Anne for I kept her up nearly all night in my frenzy to make the pain and the shallow breathing stop. Im not sure what caused it but Im thinking it was a combination of too much physical activity (I went to a dance club, had a blast but, yeah the attck sucked) from inhaling too much smoke and fog machine stuff, from devouring way too much caffeine, and from, well Im not sure what exactly cuaswed it. All I know is Im seeing a counselor tommorow at ten and IAM going to get the the fucking bottom of this. Grr.
    Monday, March 29th, 2004
    9:28 am
    Naked Never Felt so Good...
    Yesh!
    That stupid brace thingy is now off my hand and I now I can type freely and justly...only...well I currently dont have much to say toher than FUCK. Iv gotten addicted to Love HIna now! -seeth,simmer,boil.- I always thought that show looked like shit...damn you Little Brother! (NO not Alex,Chris little brother whom I have dubbed that now.) Speaking of...Im worried about Alex I havnt heard from him in awhile and I really,really want to see him, guh blasted lack of a calling card. Haleigh,Mary if you guys are reading this call me!!!!!!! As early in the morning as youd like! I have a class at 8 mon,wed and thurs and fri...but please.....calll!
    Monday, March 22nd, 2004
    2:44 pm
    Update on the Gaping Hole in My Hand...
    So I went to the health office today and got some good news and some bad news.
    The good news is I last got a tenus shot in 99' so I dont need one now. Yay!

    Bad news is I really,really should have went to the emrgency room last night for stitches becuase the chunk of my flesh that was ripped at is still bleeding and its too late to get stitches. he nurse just put it in a splint so I wouldnt rip it opena nd she prescribed me a simple antibiotic. All is well than I supose.
    Sunday, March 21st, 2004
    11:53 pm
    Ouch...Fucking...Ouch
    So I got it into my head to take a walk with NeChan the only person here I get along with on a spiritual level and have a mind numbing cool conversation with. Anyway...Our friend John joins our walk who is also awesome.
    We end up talking about the general definition of damnation and thier god, I shared some things about my Morrigna and what not it was all around a beautiful converging of religious ideals and we all felt stronger in our prospective pathsa when the conversation ended.
    And it ended...with blood,mine.

    So got up becuase the chill in the early spring air was getting to us all and the field we had sat down in was locked shut and we didnt feel like back tracking so I began to climb a chain link fence, well I used the chaned lock as a foot hold and it...wasnt locked...(No one bothered to check the lock before hand,I feel like a dolt who broke a bolt...hehe) Anyway my body fell towards the ground but my hands still clutched the spikey sharp top of the fence. Needless to say I am now the proud owned of two gaping holes in my hand. So now I have to go through the painful indignity of a tenus shot and maybe get this wound looked at once again.

    Current Mood: aggravated
    Current Music: Seraphim Shock "Prey"
    Saturday, March 20th, 2004
    10:31 am
    Half an hour before work...
    So last night I was watching X with the Shi Shi D and I felt the distinct signs of a panic attack coming over me. A few days ago I finally broke down and went to the health office to sign up to see a counselor. Yeah this is something I havnt shared with you all yet but Iv been having little brief episodes where I think I cant breatha nd I actually hear my heart beat in my ears for a few minutes. When this happens I cant think or move or do much of anything. Im able to hide it hwen it does happen as it happened in class last week. But anyway they are coming at about one every week now instead of one every month and the rate at which they are progressing is starting to frighten me. I have an idea about whats cvausing it, hell I KNOW whats causing it but it doesnt make sense, that incident was so long ago and the effects should have been worn off by now.
    Im confused and my head throbs in such a way that I feel its going to launch my brain right out of my skull..
    Ado Sleepers.

    Current Mood: anxious
    Current Music: -The Blood RUshing Through my Viens-
    Monday, March 15th, 2004
    9:14 am
    Ok,so its been awhile since Iv posted ANYTHING in here. I apologize to all those who care to rad the goings on in my life....
    Anyhow, Haliegh, Im sorry I couldnt call you as soon as I got in but the phone card I had doesnt have any more minutes on it so,err yay Im back safely. My thraot is killing me and now I think Iv caught the bug Mary-Ellen was kind enough to distribute...ugh...-pops in two cough drops at once- My throat feels raw and my nose is so stuffed up and conjested its tender to the touch.
    Errr,so shoot me my first post is a bitch fest, Im sorrry!
    -obligatory poke to Mary- See ya on AIM chicka...and ado everyone else.
    Friday, January 23rd, 2004
    1:11 pm
    FUCKING CHRISTIANS!
    Ok so I am more than a little pissed qat my roomate and serogate roomate right now. I mean,my devoutly Mormon friends havnt been this rude and offensive! -growling and knashing of teeth.-
    SO Afton and Amy picked up those stupid hooker,half naked cards off the strip last time we went and did the old gag again,putting it in things around my room. Honedstly I thought it was funny,ha ha ha,I didnt even mind so much them putting them in my text books or binders. BUT they put one in my Book of Shadows and my Starhawk book. What the fuck!? Im drawing the line here,I dont past lewd and offensive things in thier Bibles or go to thier church dressed like a tramp...Iam so pissed off...just...GARH...

    Iam NOT bringing Amy OR Afton to the Imbolc get together next SUnday because frankly they dont know how to behave like adults and respect anothersa beliefs.
    Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
    5:40 pm
    "I know youre a human being with complex emotions,sorrows and problems...but I fucking hate YOU!"
    OK, so why os it when people blare music its always BAD music? This girl down the hall listen to nothing but contemporary rap and r and b and every time I go down the hall to take a piss Iam greeted with that fucking crap....grr..

    OK, so I have nothing else to report. Heh,ja.
    Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
    10:31 pm
    Gwa!
    So ok, I havnt posted during ANY of my winter break and now Iam backa nd school and its funny that when I have NO time for anything I find time for THIS. Heh,Haleigh...expect a call from me...sorry...I sort of fell into a pit of depression and...bad stuff before I left, and the number you gave Retardo didnt work Im assuming ape fingers wrote it down wrong... >.<

    Anyway...err yes...I just bought THREE full series of anime for fifty bucks on ebay. Fooli Cooli,Cowboy Bebop AND Trugun. WOOT BABY!

    oK,Its late, I have three classes tommorow. ja bai bai.

    P.S. Sorry Manbits, it HAS been awhile, I shall see you soon on AIM I hope.
    Thursday, December 11th, 2003
    9:06 am
    Fuckity
    Ugh one more finaly and I have an hour to waist until I can take it. "Oh! Ericka why don't you study?" Becuase this is history and even with my failing visiona nd lack of prescritption glasses Iam going to get the highest score in the fucking class. (Im not kidding, really. This class is by the far the easiet coarse,high school or college, I have EVER taken). So I'm just going to put some shit in my journal.
    I suppose Jenny misses me, I gotta say so do I...but...heh, I dont want to dredge up bad memories yet, and Im kinda reeling from some news I got the other day. I actually made mormon friends (refer to earlier entries)
    And two of them are going on a mission next year. I sort of want to sit down and ask them why they are choosing to do this, Im nt itnerested in their religion at all and I dont want to start that kind of discussion becuase we are cool now but if they think Im intrested..-shudder-...still I just want to know THIER motivations, what makes them so damn sure trhey are rigtht? Maybe its the opposite ya know? Maybe these boys go on missions becuase they ARNT sure and they think somehow this will reafirm thier faith. Ugh,stupdity. But I dont know so for once, Im not jumping to conclusions, Im sure I can ask Dom or Chris over a messenger during the break.
    Friday, December 5th, 2003
    1:11 am
    Odd Day,Wierd Night...
    So today has had its ups and downs though I suppose it wouldnt have been nearly as wonderful without the tragic soul searching I did in the freezing cold with no sweater on....but I digress...

    The day started out pretty normal. Took a history quiz I more than likely got an A on. Than I went back home,sat on my ass for a few hours, and walked to the bank. See they fucked up and kept charging me seven bucks a month for a service I neither used or knew I even had. Well long story short, my over draft fees went from -$225 to +$1.90. So I thought this estatic news would carry me through the day, unfortunatly I got horribly drunk...(manbits, no more Everclear for me,ever.) and after a moving choir show I "took a walk" and sat int he cold for an hour and a half while my freinds looked for me. Im touched...I didnt even think I would make any friends in this pit, and I learned that even though msopt of the kids are devout mormons, they keep their doctrine to themselves when it comes to me, and I have to respect that at least. Any way, I walked back and Amy and Aftonw ere mighty pissed but the "Anime Club" stole me away and put me through an initiation of sorts that was entertaining and fun. So again Im touched they went to all this elborate ritual...I suppose...
    I have alot of friends,and Im the last one to know.
    Monday, November 24th, 2003
    11:23 pm
    Dream...
    Last night I dreamed about my future daughter. I know,what everyone is thinking. "You don't want kids,infact,you hate them." But I suppose its different,when the child is you're own.

    She was...she looked like me,but her eyes were so much...brigter,some kind of pale,emerald green. And she was fussy,and had a smart mouth even at three...she was so articulate....
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